


always, omi

by auroramyths



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Character Death, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memories, i swear there's fluff, srsly my heart hurts, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:41:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27229762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/auroramyths/pseuds/auroramyths
Summary: under the bed, inside a box, it awaits to be found: a collection of letters from sakusa who was recovering from amnesia, addressed to atsumu, his fiancé.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 54
Kudos: 516
Collections: COMFY TIMES, So beautiful It makes me want to cry





	always, omi

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this is actually my first hq fic and first actual fic on ao3 and i wanted to start with my comfort ship- sakuatsu, and my comfort genre- angst!

_06/25/20_

_Hello._

_Sakusa Kiyoomi is what you say my name was, or Omi-kun, as you had called me in your sing-song voice earlier, and you are Miya Atsumu. You introduced yourself as my fiancé and showed me the ring on your middle finger. You told me you kept mine at home and that you'd get it later. Home, you said, was our shared apartment for the past four years we've been together. It didn't make me less confused._

_You told me I had amnesia; that I lost my memories. When I asked you why, you explained what happened— a car accident— and I immediately looked at my casted leg. You told me that I may have to get it amputated. I barely know who I am, what my situation is, my head is probably heavy with medication. Being greeted with news like that— I didn't handle it well. But you told me this was what I would want to hear if it were the "old" me._

_"Omi-kun, you would have preferred it this way, trust me. You don't like not knowing about updates and whatnot." Those were your words._

_I don't remember how, but I was crying and you were crying, too, despite giving me an encouraging smile just seconds before. You held my hand and gave it kisses. It felt strange seeing a stranger's face on the man I supposedly love._

_You advised me to write these letters. You told me that they would help regain my memories. I don't know how exactly, but I hope it works. It's quite unusual to see you fretting and talking towards me with an unfamiliar face, after all._ _It wasn't long after that you stood up to leave for work._

_"I love you." You said. The words left your mouth like you had said them a thousand times— you probably have. They sounded firm, and gentle and sure, but with my memories gone, I don't love you now like I did before. I don't think I love you now, at all. I saw the hurt in your eyes when all I did was stare blankly. I'm sorry. Those words are special to me and I don't want to say them when I don't feel their weight yet. You told me you understand and waved a hand before leaving. I don't think you heard but I thanked you before you left._

_Well, Atsumu, since you left for work, I have no one to talk to here except for the doctors and nurses. They keep asking me questions and honestly, it's so draining, but I have to go with it. I'd like to think of this as the first level of a game that's going to push me to wellness, if that makes sense. I am not allowed to stand up yet, and even if I were, my wrapped leg wouldn't serve its purpose. I also cannot manage to watch T.V. or open my phone without getting a headache right after. I guess I only have this journal and the open window to my left as my sources of entertainment._

_My right leg is still numb and I was tempted to unwrap the bandage earlier to take a peek of what it's become. The doctors say I can still walk after the injury heals though, if the operation is successful. There was a little chance of amputation and I may have to remind you of this when you get back because you gave me a scare earlier, but it's fine. You were probably scared, too. God, I hope the operation goes well. At this point I'm all about hoping. Was I always this hopeful? I have the impression that I used to keep what I feel only to myself._

_I can't wait until you're back from work. I have a lot of things I want to know about myself, about you, us, and the life I used to live._

_But it's probably going to take a while, right? Will you do me a favor? Will you hold on a little longer, Atsumu? I will do my best to learn everything again, for us. If this sounds sentimental, it's probably the heart's doing._

_I'm feeling tired so I guess I should sleep. See you later, Atsumu._

**_Sincerely,_ **

**_Omi_ **

* * *

_06/30/20_

_Dear Atsumu,_

_You saw my greeting in the previous letter and said they didn't contain affection, so here is one. I hope this is enough now, though you probably won't be able to read this until the day comes when I let you. When I'm all better and we reminisce about this, perhaps._

_But I want to say thank you. For being patient with me and answering my repetitive questions, even though I sound annoying in my own ears and you assured me I wasn't._

_The past few days I've been awake, your face has become a sight of comfort and it's brought me familiarity since then. I sought your presence more than when I was faced with my parents, who looked like strangers to me all the same. My mother cried earlier and said she was so scared when they got the call from you about my accident. I could only empathize and imagine someone else in my stead so it wouldn't make me seem indifferent if I can't return the affection. Do I have the right to say it makes me sad? Because I don't have memories with them, and knowing they came all the way to see their "son" only to be unrecognized.. they probably expected it but I think no one's ever really ready for pain.. I don't know, Atsumu, you tell me._

_If I have to say something about this whole thing, it would be curse words. Lots and lots of curse words. I wouldn't know what else to say to express my frustration. I want to get out of this hospital bed and go do whatever it was I used to do and live my life before all this. But when I turn my body a little, it hurts a great deal, and then I'm reminded that I'm stuck here until I'm finally better._

_I'm glad you keep me company here, though. You keep my haunting thoughts at bay, blocking them with your loud laugh and endless stories to share- stories of things I'd forgotten. They sound like tales and experiences of someone else's life rather than my own. I listened and paid attention even to minor details, to see if I could get something out of it, or to make something out of it- like slipping back into old clothes- but the act made you cry._

_You told me I was always like this, always listening to what you have to say. Then you hugged me and kissed me on the forehead._

_Then you told me the words again: "I love you". I could never get used to hearing it since the day I woke up from my 2-week coma and you would say the words in random moments, like a reminder. I felt a churn in my stomach, like a pressure telling me I should say it back, but when I turned to you, you just smiled and said "I understand". Atsumu, you have no idea how much that meant to me._

_Last night, after dinner, you finally gave me the engagement ring and slipped it on my finger. You kept apologizing about how you'd forgotten to bring it to the hospital every chance you could, and I was going to make a joke about who among us really had memory problems but I caught sight of your face and decided against it._ _Your expression looked like a mix of happiness and sadness, but stretching in between, I knew you were mostly tired, hence you forgetting things. You're tired from work, and then coming to take care of me and masking all your weariness with a smile because you don't want to wear me down. Atsumu, it's okay. You can lean on me, and I will welcome your tiredness in my shoulders. It's the least I can do after all the things you've done for me._

_I want you to know I find rest and comfort in you just as you find home in my eyes whenever they meet with yours._

**_Always,_ **

**_Omi_ **

* * *

_07/08/20_

_Dear Atsumu,_

_I awoke today because of a buzzing sensation in my head. I thought I would finally gain my memories, but it turned out to be just another headache. I've been getting a lot of headaches these days. They're almost unbearable but when I open my eyes and see you sleeping on the couch, your mouth open, leaving soft snores, the pain fades into the background and I find myself smiling. You're so strong, Atsumu. I admire you for that._

_Yesterday, your twin and your mother visited while you were at work. Osamu looked very much like you, but the hair was a give-away. He was quieter than you, though, and he prepared food for me to eat while your Mom told me how I loved his cooking before the accident happened. Ah, which reminds me, have I ever told you how endearing words sound like in your accent when you speak?_

_"You always loved the dishes Osamu cooked, but Atsumu's cooking won your tastes." Your mother gushed- which gave me a second reminder that I should ask for a home-cooked meal from you._

_Osamu laughed at this and decided to comment on it. "Kiyoomi is the only person I know who preferred that brat's cooking. Maybe because Atsumu blackmailed him then." Then they laughed and I laughed with them._

_Well, I won't deny that Osamu's dishes tasted really good, but my bet is all on you, Atsumu. Go ahead and show them you cook better!_

_Anyway, you came back later than usual last night and you looked very exhausted. I felt sorry that you had to sleep on the couch so I told you it was okay if you slept at home. Home. I just realized how lovely the thought of it is. Could it be because I picture the warm ambience and the cozy feeling from our pictures on your phone that you showed me days ago?_

_"Anywhere is better as long as you're around."_ _I remember how you said these words. I remember the gentle smile on your face. I also remember opening my arms, though slowly and uneasily because they're still a bit numb, and how your eyes brimmed with tears as you walked towards me and enveloped me in a warm embrace._

_At that moment, I thought, hugs can be some sort of home, too._

  
  
  


**_Always,_ **

**_Omi_ **

* * *

_07/15/20_

_Dear Atsumu,_

_This morning, you said you woke up earlier than me. That's not true. I was already awake then. You got up from the couch and sat on the chair next to my bed. I felt your hand making its way to intertwine with mine. I did my best to not give off an obvious reaction. You pressed your lips on my hand, on my knuckles, my fingers, and I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes and tell you to stop because it was so endearing._

_A little while later, you sang me a song. I thought it sounded familiar and I realized it was the tune you kept humming to yourself when you're putting me to sleep. I liked the song, well, partly because of your voice. The lyrics were sad, but beautiful. Let me recall.. I think they went:_ _"For your eyes only, I show you my heart,_ _For when you're lonely, and forget who you are"_ _That's all I can remember._

_I'm sorry for pretending like I was still sleeping. A part of me wanted to hear you more, afraid that this seemingly fragile version of you only exists when my mind is lost in the cloud of dreams. I was going to naturally flutter my eyes open, test my skill in acting, but the doctor entered the room and you had to let go of my hand and stand up to greet him politely._

_The doctor checked on my stats and talked to you a bit about casual things. At this point I decided to continue faking my sleep. He then asked to speak with you about something important to be discussed outside the room. I felt you leave a kiss on my forehead before you left. Then I ended up falling asleep for real._

_I woke up to see you by the couch with your head hung down. When I called your name, it took you a while to look at me, you even told me to look the other way for a few seconds. I felt conflicted but I did it anyway. When you said it was all good now, I couldn't help but search for your eyes first. I may have lost my memories, Atsumu, but I am not stupid to not know you were crying beforehand._

_But I didn't tell you this because you were already making your way towards me for a hug. I'll have you know.. hugging you feels really good. It eases the unpleasant things I feel in my body. You told me it was because of the oxytocin being released in my system, but who has time to think of science when the warmth in your skin and the smell of your hair consume my mind completely?_

_"You don't have to worry." You said as we hugged. We both know what you meant— an answer to a question unasked. So I didn't._

_In the afternoon, we shared a call with our good friends. I got to meet Keiji, Koutarou, and their twins. They talked to me and told me stories of our double dates with them back when they were still dating, and that I had always been either too direct or shifty when it came to you - that's how everyone found out I had feelings first before you did._ _I know about some of these things already, since you would tell me stories every night without fail, but hearing them from our friends' points of view enhanced the quality of these stories, like jigsaw pieces coming together to complete the picture- and I'm the missing piece._

_When I told you my head felt heavy and I had to sleep, you initiated the goodbye greetings and I watched as the twins waved goodbye at us, their eyes filled with wonder- maybe wondering why their uncles are in the hospital, maybe wondering why their uncles hadn't visited them for quite some time. Or maybe that was just me overthinking._

_I looked at you and you smiled and urged me to go to sleep. I wanted to say something but I decided not to. I think you might cry when I say it, so I'll write it here instead._

_When I'm all better, when I gain my memories back, and we finally get married, let's start our own family soon, okay, Atsumu?_

_Why does the thought of that make my heart flutter?_

  
  


**_Always,_ **

**_Omi_ **

* * *

  
  


**_07/21/20_ **

_Dear Atsumu,_

_A few days ago, I had my leg surgery. My parents came by, too, you said, to boost morale and support. I don't really remember much from that day because I was asleep most of the time. But it was successful!_

_You were always at work or sleeping whenever I stirred awake at untimely hours. Sometimes I end up thinking I should wake you up because I don't want to spend a day without hearing a story from you, but I figured you needed to rest too. I miss actively listening to you for hours on end. I want to ask you how you are or hear you complain about your work._

_I don't want you to worry, but I don't like sparing information from you, which is why I'll be honest. These past few days I've been feeling really tired. I always sleep and I feel worn out even though all I do is stay on this bed. With my leg on its way to healing, I only have my headaches to worry about. Sometimes they get really intense which leaves me no choice but to press the emergency button by my headboard, and as the seconds before the nurse arrives slow down like hours, it's your name I always find myself repeating._

_Atsumu. Atsumu. Atsumu._

_I get scared I might forget you the second time around; that I'm going to give you more pain in addition to what you're dealing with right now._

_So when the nurse arrives and gives me a dose of pain relievers that cause drowsiness, I try to hold on and fight back. I try to stay awake. I'm scared to wake up in an unfamiliar room again, to see you but not know it's you. But the medicine is too strong for me, I end up falling unconscious._

_And then I eventually wake up. I'm still at the hospital, I still don't remember anything from before the accident, but there's a blanket of comfort in knowing I still remember this second life, somehow. During these moments of relief, I find myself looking at our engagement ring on my finger. I stare at it as if by staring hard enough, flashbacks would come. They never did. I would fall asleep hoping._

_Atsumu, I cannot wait to recover from all this and have you take me to places we've been to together. We will hang out with family and friends like we used to. We will take lots of pictures and record lots of videos to store these new memories. You said I wasn't fond of photographs but I promise I will smile wider now. I noticed I didn't seem to make my smile look evident in the pictures you've shown me. But I'm sure we both know it. That I was happy being with you in those moments._

_Ah, you just got back from buying snacks. You're smiling really wide at me and you keep asking me about this letter. You'll read them soon enough. I'm ending this here because you're trying to tease me by pretending to snatch it._

  
  


**_Always,_ **

**_Omi_ **

* * *

_07/27/20_

_Dear Atsumu,_

_I am not sure if I should write about this but if I end up losing my memories the second time, I would want to read this and have it mark my mind again. Memories create depth in a bond, after all, may they be good or bad. I learned that after last night._

_Last night, we had a fight. It got so bad that you turned your back on me when you laid down the couch to sleep. When I woke up this morning, you were already gone. I don't know why, but these days I've been extra emotional. Maybe this explains the tears coming out my eyes as I write this letter._

_It's my fault. I'm afraid I've become selfish._

_All I do is wake up and sleep, it's a cycle that rolls too many times a day, everything else is just consolation. In the moments I'm awake, I always wait for you, distracting myself by writing these silly letters but my hands get tired, eventually, and I end up doing nothing._

_To my boredom, I started counting the hours until you arrived. It was exactly 10 hours. Ten hours until you open the door with semi-dragged footsteps and a smile. I planned to stop with the counting because I knew your time was indefinite; you had other things to do. But as the days unfold slower than the last, you were gone for 14 hours. And the day after that too. You no longer forced a smile, you just didn't smile anymore._

_So I asked you last night if there was something you're not telling me, but you brushed me off, saying that you're okay and you're just tired from work. I don't think you know that talking to you is my favorite part of the day; it's the one thing that keeps me looking forward to waking up and going through another boring day- to talk to you in the evening until late at night. That's why I made the mistake of snapping at you. I told you I want these new memories gone, too, so I can forget about you again and then I won't have to wait with longing and worry every time you come by later than usual._

_I told you that I don't need memories. That they're a burden. That I don't need something that gets to subject me with hurt._

_It was rooted from all the negative thoughts I refused to tell you or write on my letters, but I never got to tell you this part. My words echoed in my mind after silence took place in the room. I saw your shoulders drop, your eyes losing rage, turning dull. You didn't say anything anymore. I looked away and cried silently after that. I'm even crying as I'm writing this. If you cried, I had not heard. I felt extra empty that night. Devoid of memories, devoid of something I can't quite name until this morning when I realized it was because you didn't tell me "I love you" and kissed me on the forehead before we went to bed._

_I cried earlier, too, when I saw the empty couch. There was no sign of you around the room. The nurse walked in on me wiping my tears away and I asked if she knew where you were. I needed reassurance. I felt like a lost child, abandoned. You were the only one I was holding on to. She must've sensed this._

_"To work," the nurse gave me a smile, "Don't worry, Mr. Sakusa. He'll come back later. He always comes back for you."_

_That statement became my enlightenment. I thanked her as she left. Now, I would have to gather my courage to apologize to you in person. I̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶a̶t̶ ̶l̶e̶a̶s̶t̶ ̶7̶ ̶h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ ̶u̶n̶t̶i̶l̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶c̶o̶_

_Scratch that._

_I'll be waiting for you, Atsumu._

**_A̶l̶w̶a̶y̶s̶,̶ ̶_ **

**_̶O̶m̶i̶_ **

_Hi, Atsumu. It's a few minutes past midnight and you've been asleep for about half an hour already. It's a new day, but I'll write on this paper as I'm too lazy to open the new pack._

_We're okay now. You're sleeping soundly as I write this, and I hope you don't wake up and catch me still awake. I can't sleep. I'm still.. in a daze? How should I put this… I feel like I won't be able to sleep until I write down what happened earlier._

_While I was waiting for you with a constructed apology speech in mind, I grew more weary and nervous. And it didn't help when you opened the door and went directly to the couch without greeting me. I wanted to open my mouth and say something but I found myself pretending to be busy, fiddling with these tubes around me._

_It was so awkward that I cringe as I recall it. When a nurse came by to bring my dinner, you stood up to prepare my bed table. It was really quiet and only the vital signs monitor's beeps and the humming of the air purifier were the only sounds in the room._

_"The soup's still hot, Omi-kun. If your hands feel numb, I can feed you. I'll just wash my hands first—" You kept talking, but you were avoiding my gaze._

_I couldn't help it. I cried; tears falling down from my eyes despite my attempt to stop them. I apologized. The words spilled like water breaking out of a dam. Rushed explanations, and phrases. Looking back now, it may even have been a breakdown. I was sobbing really hard. And your hands found their way to mine, holding them gently- the warmth from your hands, reaching me. You brought my hands to your lips and kissed them. I cried harder, but my heart was swelling with emotions of relief and joy. I knew at that point. We were going to be okay._

_"Omi-omi, look at me," You called me with the name you only call me by when you're being extra affectionate. "I'm sorry, too." Then your eyes began to well up. "I'm sorry for making you wait here alone, all day. I'm sorry.."_

_I looked at you and I felt something tug at my heart. I had an idea what it was._

_"Omi-omi, I love you." You said and kissed my hands again before coming closer and for a moment I saw your eyes flicker on my lips and I thought you were going to kiss me. But you wrapped your arms around me slowly, carefully, as if I'm a very fragile thing that would break at the slightest touch. You embraced me in a hug so tight the feeling still lingers up until now. I̶ ̶w̶o̶n̶d̶e̶r̶_

_I didn't ask for an explanation, but you told me one. That you have been working overtime since you filed a leave so you can stay with me here more. It's funny. I remember you telling me I used to be a firm person who rarely cried, but there I was earlier, crying in your arms again, grateful that I had you._

_"You were right," you said in the middle of our embrace, "We don't need the memories, Omi-kun. Let's just have the present. Let's enjoy the moments as they are before they become memories we'll eventually forget. Okay?" For the first time in a few days, we smiled at each other, genuinely and truly. Then you laughed and said the soup was probably all cold now, and you went back to taking care of my dinner. I watched you with a smile as I remembered your words._

_I don't remember anything from the past, only new knowledge of them from your stories. But it seems I don't have to remember anymore._

_I look at you now as you're snoring on the couch. I'm smiling to myself._

_Atsumu, maybe I already have an answer to your three words._

**_Always,_ **

**_Omi_ **

* * *

_08/05/20_

_Dear Atsumu,_

_It seems like our fight opened the way for affection. These past few days, we've been doing the same things as we always had— talking, hugging, playing board games — yet I feel like something's changed. Our skins brushed more often now and every time they did, I would jolt slightly, but it all seemed natural to you. I'm not complaining, though. I suppose this is a good kind of change._

_They took off my bandages four days ago and I just finished my physical therapy session for today. Finally, I can bend my leg a little now! I feel so excited because it looks like I'm finally getting better. I asked the doctor if I was going to get discharged soon and he looked hesitant for a second. I think I might have just imagined it. Then he gave me a nod and smiled. I couldn't stop smiling to myself, too, as I pictured going back home._

_Yesterday, you did some cleaning up around the hospital room, saying that I probably won't like it if it were the old me. I blinked. Even with amnesia, I did not like the mess the room was becoming, so thank you for figuring that out. I wanted to help you, but we both know I can't. I distracted myself with the videos of us from your phone instead._

_There was a video of me sleeping closely in front of you and your hand appeared on the frame as you played with my curls. You kept whispering "Omi-omi.." and I swatted your hand away but you chuckled and played with my curls again. A few seconds passed with that scene and I suddenly opened my eyes and caught that you've been recording. I reached for your phone with a scowl and you screamed loudly before the video was cut off._

_There was also a video where you set up your phone between the books of a shelf, I assumed, and it showed a part of the kitchen where I had my back at the camera. It looked like I was cooking something. You walked towards me and hugged me from behind. I didn't react. You rested your chin on my shoulder and it seemed like you whispered something to me before I turned around, leaned forward, and kissed you. And you kissed me back. (I had to pause the video at that part to give myself a moment to calm down, and you asked me why my face was so red. I ignored you and you laughed before continuing with your clean-up.) Our hands were on each other's bodies. We only stopped when the dish I was cooking got caught in flames and as I panicked and tried to put it out, you gave a victory pose in front of the camera before running towards the shelf and taking it out there. I heard myself shout "Babe, the extinguisher!" before you whispered "Shit," and ended the video._

_I stopped watching videos after that since I felt my eyes strain at the phone's light. You approached me not long after and teased me about what I could have seen that made me blush. I told you I wasn't blushing. You said okay, but you had this mischievous grin on. I hit you lightly on the arm and you laughed. Like in the videos._

_Then you told me you only had three days left before your leave for work starts. And then I can have you for myself - these were your words._

_"Just hang in there, Omi-kun. You can have me all to yourself soon." That's what you said. I was about to retort but you added another sentence: "I love you."_

_I smiled. It didn't feel enough. I thanked you. To you, this was good enough. Better than the indifferent stare I gave you the first time you told me these words. But to me, my answer was lacking. I know there's more in me than just a smile and a 'thank you'. I feel the emotions but I can't bring myself to say the words loudly yet._

_So, Atsumu, I'll say it here first._

_I love you, too._

  
  


**_Always,_ **

**_Omi_ **

* * *

_08/19/20_

_Dear Atsumu,_

_You are such a precious being. I realized this because for the past couple of days, we have been together 24/7. With your break from work, you spent all day right beside me. We were inseparable for the most part and you'd suddenly ask if I was happy being like this, being with you there. I would just smile and you would understand it right away._

_My parents came to visit the other day. I don't know if you noticed, too, but they looked sad. They forced their smiles too much that I could see right through them. You gave us some time and left the room. I've gotten comfortable with them since they visited often. I no longer tried to visualize what parents and a child should be; I acted freely. My Dad asked how I was doing. I told them I was doing fine. I didn't tell them about my constant headaches, though. I stopped telling you this as well. I don't like seeing people get worried about me more than they already are. But it's fine. I can sleep the headache away._

_It turned out that they brought a photo album of me from when I was a baby up until my late years of being a teenager before I moved out for college. They were reminiscing the memories each picture held and I listened to them, imagining the scenes but only coming up with hazy visions. I noticed my Mother get emotional by my side, so I reached out my hand and placed it on top of hers. This made her cry. My Dad watched with a heartwarming smile. Maybe something really connects family together no matter the circumstance, because I found myself crying as well— over years worth of memories and relationships and emotions lost somewhere in my mind, and over these new memories that have somehow formed a new, stronger bond._

_You came back just as they were leaving. Something about you felt off so I asked where you were and what you did that made you act like that. In an instant, there was a smile on your face. You waved a hand, saying that it was nothing. I wanted to ask more but you were trying too hard to smile and divert the topic so I figured it wasn't really that important. For some reason, the way you smiled reminded me of my parents'. But maybe I was overthinking things._

_Last night, I wanted to get some fresh air, so you helped me with the wheelchair and brought me to the rooftop. It was quiet. And cold. You steered my wheelchair by the railings for me to see a better view of the city lights. Amazed would be an understatement of what I felt seeing the view for the first time. I could see vehicles from the roads below and I wondered where each of them were headed. I could see lights from windows of buildings and wondered what the people inside were doing. I had so many thoughts at that time but the flash from your camera cut me off. You were taking pictures of me._

_"Omi-kun, you always loved the city lights!" I remember you exclaiming as you let your eyes wander over the view. I was staring at you as you were lost in the lights and talking. I couldn't really hear everything you said then. When you turned and saw me staring, your expression changed. Worry crossed your face. You rushed towards me, bent your knees to get into eye contact with me, and asked if I was okay, if it was too cold, said that you never should've brought me there because I'd probably get a cold or a headache. It took me a moment to react and tell you it was okay, that I was just admiring you. This made you quiet. You looked so precious and vulnerable then. I couldn't help myself. I kissed you._

_Trust me when I say I didn't mean to, but I will not lie and say I didn't want to. It had been something that lingered on my mind for a while now._

_You froze for a moment before you kissed me back and when we pulled away, we both had the same bashful expression on our faces. I know that you and I had more intimate moments than that kiss before the accident happened; we're engaged, after all. I forgot about all those and you haven't, but you still acted surprised as if we kissed the first time. When I asked you why, you answered softly, slightly teasing: "That was technically the second time you had your first kiss, Omi-kun."_

_I opened my mouth to restate but I realized you were right. And I'm pretty sure the both of us wanted to stay in that moment. But something I had been wanting to say couldn't wait anymore._

_You were always the one who reached out for my hand during my hardest times, so when I reached out and held your hands last night, I could tell by the look in your eyes that that meant a lot to you._

_There was an undeniable silence for a moment before I told you the words: I love you._

_Your eyes welled with tears and I could see how happy you were. The first thing you said was "thank you" and I almost laughed at the irony, but I could tell by the smile you gave me how much you meant it. I could tell that the words that followed your "thank you" were "for loving me again. Just as I never stopped loving you." and that was all that mattered._

_If it had not been for the rain, we would have stayed at the rooftop longer. We went back to the room and kept quiet, mostly because words didn't have to be exchanged anymore. I looked at you and you looked at me and somehow, that was enough._

**_Always,_ **

**_Omi_ **

_P.S. You are so beautiful._

* * *

_09/10/20_

_Dear Atsumu,_

_It's been so long since I wrote a letter. Sometimes I forget that writing these letters was some sort of therapy to regain my memories; I don't think it's working. I still don't remember anything, but it's become a hobby now. I guess I'll just have to keep it going._

_Two days after my last letter, the doctor told us it was okay to go home. A lot of things happened after that, but I barely remember them. It was mostly your work finalizing the papers and prepping things back home for my arrival and I guess I slept most of the time because the clearest thing I can remember was you pushing me on my wheelchair outside the hospital doors and into the van._

_I felt like an alien visiting someone else's house for the first time when I entered our apartment. Days have passed since then and by now I can almost memorize the details of our place in my mind. The pictures of us on the walls, the customized snow globes on the top of the drawers, my paintings and your sketches. Also, I gradually got up off my wheelchair on my own, and I started using crutches, but I'm practicing to walk on my own now, too. These days I can manage to walk with a little wobble (the first attempt, I almost fell but you were quick to catch me)._

_There was also a balcony right by our lounge and you told me I used to go there to clear my mind. We spend most nights after dinner seated there, talking and talking, as if that's something we hadn't done for the past months. You seemed to be happier these days, too. You're always smiling and joking and clinging to me. This confuses me because sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with my face buried in your chest and your arms around me, and I can't see your face but I can hear your quiet sobs. And as if you could sense it, you would embrace me tighter and stop crying. In the mornings after that, I never get the chance to ask you about it because you would smile so widely at me._

_Last night, you woke me up at 2 A.M., saying that a meteor shower you've been waiting for would appear in the skies. You were too excited that I couldn't help but get up on the bed and go to the balcony with you. We waited and waited. I told you maybe you had it mistaken for another day. I felt sorry seeing you look disappointed. Just as we turned around to go back inside, something caught your eye._

_"Omi-kun, look, a falling star!" You exclaimed so loudly I think the neighbors must've heard it. I looked up and saw the bit of light cross the sky._

_"Omi-kun, close your eyes and make a wish." You said as you reached for my hands and we closed our eyes at the same time to cast our wishes._

_There was silence for a moment. You probably knew what I wished for. It was something to be expected. I wished for my memories back._

_When I opened my eyes, you still had yours closed. I felt you tighten your hold on my hands. I got worried when I saw tears escaping your eyes. When you opened them, you smiled at me and asked me what my wish was. I told you right away. That I wanted my memories back so we can go back to what we were. You asked me if I wasn't happy with what we are now and I immediately said no. That I just wanted to make everything else okay again, for the sake of everyone around me, especially you._

_"We're doing just fine now, aren't we?" Then you grinned and pulled me in for a hug. "Omi-kun, let's stay like this for a moment." You said the words so gently. I couldn't help but nod and hug you back as we watched the skies. I pretended I didn't feel a drop of your tear fall on my arm. You keep crying these days, but I guess I'll wait until you open up to me and tell me the reason why._

_I searched the sky for a new sign of shooting stars, but found none. So I closed my eyes and placed a new wish on all the stars that night. I wished for you to be happy, always. You deserve to be happy, Atsumu._

_Later, when we were back in bed, I asked you what you wished for. You said you didn't want to share it because it is said that if you revealed your wish to someone, it wouldn't come true. I didn't ask further. I'd like to think of our wishes as the only secrets we keep from each other._

**_Always,_ **

**_Omi_ **

* * *

_09/17/20_

_Dear Atsumu,_

_I got woken up by another headache. I drank my meds but I can't sleep right away. I am writing this letter on the balcony, wearing your sweater. It's around 2A.M. right now, and I'm still amazed at how active the city still is. I'm rarely alone with my thoughts with you always there to talk, but in certain moments like this, I would look at alleys and roads and wonder how many times I had crossed them, walked there._

_I have grown more sentimental, I noticed, as I recalled the days at the hospital. I hope you don't make fun of me when you read this. Although, I don't think I'm prepared to let you read these letters soon. Maybe years from now when we're all old. We'll read these letters and remember together._

_On another note, your birthday is fast approaching and I'm planning something big for it. You said you wanted to surprise me with the setting, that I don't have to prepare for anything. I made you believe I would oblige and do nothing, but actually, I am going to propose to you. For the second time._

_In the months I've gotten to know you all over again, I have learned to love you just the same, if not more. You never let me forget. You were around when I didn't know even my name. You were there to guide me all the way as I became a new person. You are so patient and selfless. I am so thankful to have you as my other half._

_The other night, we made love. And I couldn't have felt more in love with you in that moment, when the moonlight from the window illuminated your face. I found myself as such a lucky man to have someone like you love someone like me. Before we went to sleep after that, you whispered softly in my ear: "Can we just stay like this forever?" When I turned to look at you, you were crying. I told you we had a whole lifetime ahead of us, and it was unusual to see you cry so hard but smile through it all._

_In my previous letters, I told you that when I finally recover, I wanted us to get married. A part of me hopes that the right time would come soon, but I don't want to feed on the unsure. The headaches still occur. I think they won't stop until I get recover my memories. I hope they won't get in the way of my proposal on your birthday._

_Marriage is my next goal for us, so I hope you will wait. With our engagement ring on your finger, of course. Because I know you are sure of me just as I am sure of you. I love you so much, Atsumu._

_I actually have to go sleep now because you're calling out my name with your groggy voice. I'm coming, Atsumu._

**_Always,_ **

**_Omi_ **

_P.S. I almost forgot I was in charge of cooking breakfast in the morning._

* * *

_10/27/20_

_Dear Omi-omi,_

_Hi, Omi-kun! It's taken me a while to write a letter, but here it is!_

_I miss you. So much. But I hope, wherever you are right now, you're happy and free from pain. I know you would want me to be happy as well but there are days when missing you becomes overwhelming that I can't bring myself to force a smile. I would just cry and cry. Today seems to be that kind of day._

_Osamu helped me clean up the apartment yesterday. He was the one who saw your letters in a box, under our bed. It took all the strength in me not to cry in front of him. When he left and I was alone again, I read your letters. Each one of them. I tried not to let my tears touch the papers, but it was so hard. I held the papers on my hands as if I could still get the warmth from you when you wrote and held them.  
_

_Omi-kun, you really loved me a lot, didn't you?_

_I could feel it in your letters and in your words. How you tried so hard to remember, how you tried so hard to learn. You kept praising me for being strong, but Omi-kun, you were the stronger one between us. You were my pillar._

_I'm sorry I couldn't tell you about your condition. You might've gotten depressed about it and it would only worsen your health. I didn't want that. Omi, if only I could take your pain away from you, I would have done it without a second thought._

_You left us in your sleep, three days before my birthday. I don't have the strength to recall what happened that day. Everything happened in a daze. The next thing I knew, you weren't in my arms anymore and the paramedics placed a white sheet on top of you on the stretcher. My heart hurt a lot that day, Omi-omi. It still hurts as I write this, too._

_I read about your plan in the letter. The proposal. I was going to propose to you on my birthday as well. You were so full of hope for our future. You were determined to make new memories. I hate that the inevitable happened so soon. Remember that night at the balcony where we wished on a shooting star? I actually wished for more time with you. I felt so selfish because I knew you were suffering, you just didn't want me to know, but I was desperate to hold on to you longer. Why couldn't we have more time together?_

_I spend most days missing you, basking in the memories we shared and finding more regrets in those moments. I can't help it. I remember when we fought and you said you didn't need memories, that we don't need something that gets to hurt us. For a moment, I wanted my memories gone, too. So I wouldn't be hurting as much as I am now._

_But discarding my memories away would mean forgetting about you and your smiles. It would mean forgetting about the laughs and kisses we shared, the scenes of you looking at me with so much affection, about all the fights and the making-ups that followed. It would mean forgetting about the sound of you soft whispers, or the warmth of your hand. So, if I am going through pain right now because of these memories, I will bear them. I will submerge myself with the sadness of your loss if it means keeping you alive in my memories. Let me have these memories of the side of you only I got to witness, Omi-kun. You are a wonder that doesn't deserve to be forgotten._

_But you know, Omi-kun, will you visit me in my dreams? I just want to talk to you there. I just want to thank you for holding on, even when you're the one who asked me to do so. It must have been so hard for you. I keep picturing you on your hospital bed, counting down the hours all alone, waiting for me, and my heart breaks. There was an unspoken line between us, though. You had always waited for me as I had always come back to you. So please, Omi-kun let me dream of you so that I may say these things out loud, and that I may feel your hug one more time before I say goodbye to you._

_It is a slow process of acceptance and grief, but I will have to move on for us both. I have a future ahead of me, and you will be in my mind, sadly, only as a memory, as the years unfold. Now, it's my turn to be strong._

_I love you so much, Omi-omi. I hope I was able to make you feel that just as you made me feel loved!_

  
  


**_Always,_ **

**_Atsumu_ **

**Author's Note:**

> if you ever get to this part, i just want to thank you for reading! that was quite draining and aaaaaa i don't know what you usually say here but let's be friends! i'm @fictobio on twitter! :)


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